Dear Sophie Miller
by Evalynn Hansen
Summary: Sophie Miller has social anxiety. It's the beginning of her senior year, and two weeks prior, a boy saw her fall out of the tree at the park. TW: Talks about suicide, anxiety, and depression. ABANDONED! I am working on typing up a different deh story that is complete. Keep your eyes open for when it is posted!
1. ONE

**Disclaimer: Nothing related to DEH belongs to me. Also, I use some of the lines from the show, which means there is swearing that I would never normally use. However, I didn't want to omit anything. Hope you guys enjoy.**

**AN: I thought I should also mention, anytime that I use a forward slash in dialogue, it's characters talking over each other. Again, hope you guys enjoy and please let me know what you think.**

I wandered around Ellison State Park, looking around at the trees. Finally, I found myself at the foot of a forty-foot-tall oak tree. It was obviously the tallest tree in the park, and perfect for what I had planned. Hoisting myself up, I started to climb. Higher and higher until I was thirty feet up. That's when I felt the branch beneath my feet start to cave under my weight. _No. No. No. It wasn't supposed to be an accident. I wanted it to be a choice. Done out of my own free will._ I tried to find another hold, somewhere to pull myself up higher, but the branch gave way and then I was dangling by just my hands. I felt my fingers start to slip, and my eyes widened. I could feel the panic attack coming on as I fell.

"Wait! Hold on!" a voice called, but it was too late.

I hit the ground, dazed and confused. I felt my arm go numb as I lay there. A face slowly came into view as my vision cleared. It was a boy in a blue striped polo and brown pants.

"Are- are you okay?" he asked me.

I groaned as the pain caught up to me.

"I'll, um, take that as a no. Um... hang on."

I heard him talking to someone on his phone before he came back over to me.

"Okay. I called for some help. Hopefully someone will be here soon to pick you up."

"N-no. I d-don't want..." I stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence.

"C-can you stand?"

"I..."

Before I could say anything else, sirens were heard blaring and a few minutes later, some paramedics were lifting me onto a stretcher. I was loaded into an ambulance and before I knew it, we were heading to the hospital.

* * *

Two weeks later, I walked slowly to school. It was the first day of my senior year and I was not looking forward to it. I sported a clunky white cast on my left arm and a sharpie was hidden in my pocket. For some reason, my mom really wanted me to ask people to sign my cast. She claimed it was a good ice breaker, for meeting people. I entered the building and was immediately approached by Alana Beck, the smartest girl in school.

"Hey. How was your summer?"

I glanced around, unsure if she was talking to someone else and hoping that someone would come save me.

"My...?" I started.

"Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know: wow," she continued.

"Yeah. That's wow./ That's really impressive."

"/Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances, more like."

I tried to ignore the fact that she wasn't really listening to me and just continued speaking as I mustered up the courage to ask her to sign my cast.

"Do you want to maybe... I don't know what you're, um... do you want to sign my cast?" I stammered, pulling out the sharpie.

"Oh my God. What happened to your arm?"

"Oh. Well. I broke it. I was climbing a tree..." I started, but she started talking again, not listening or caring what I was saying.

"Oh really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died."

There was an awkward pause, where I struggled to find a response to the fact that my broken arm had just reminded Alana of her dead grandma when she plastered a big smile on her face and started to walk off.

"Happy first day!" she called back to me over her shoulder.

Shaking off the encounter, I continued down the hall, stopping when I caught sight of a boy wearing a blue striped polo shirt and light brown pants talking to Jared Kleinman. Everyone knew Jared as the kid who tried to be cool, and failed miserably, hiding his insecurities behind the mask of his swagger.

"Hey, Miller! What happened to your arm?" Jared, called, spotting me.

"I...um... I was, um, well I was climbing a tree and I fell," I stammered out, playing with the hem of my shirt and avoiding looking up at the pair.

"You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?"

"Well... I was, um, I was at Ellison State Park a few weeks ago. And I, um, I tried to climb this, uh, forty-foot-tall oak tree."

"And then you fell?" Jared asked.

I noticed the other boy was strangely silent throughout the whole conversation.

"Well, um... I didn't actually, um, make it to the top, because when I was, um, a-about, um thirty feet up, the branch I was on sort of, um, caved under me. And, there was like, uh, a few minutes, where I was just dangling and then, I, um, yeah I fell."

"Jesus Christ..."

"Do you want to sign my cast?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, I just, um, I thought that..."

Before I could stammer out the rest of my sentence, Connor Murphy walked by and Jared decided he was tired of talking to me and called out to him.

"Hey, Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

Connor froze, stone still staring at Jared. I averted my gaze, playing with the hem of my shirt and wishing I could just disappear.

"I was kidding. It was a joke," Jared continued.

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing," Connor deadpanned, taking a step toward Jared. "Can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared laughed nervously, all his bravado gone.

"You're such a freak," he said, walking away.

I looked up to see Connor still standing there, like a statue, staring at me. The boy in the blue polo had backed off slowly as soon as Jared had first talked to Connor, leaving me alone to deal with the uncomfortable situation. Unsure what to do, I laughed nervously. It was the wrong thing to do.

"What are you fucking laughing at?"

"What?" I asked.

"Stop fucking laughing at me."

"I'm not," I tried defending myself weakly.

"You think I'm a freak?" Connor started walking toward me.

"No. I don't-"

"I'm not the freak."

"But I wasn't-"

"You're the fucking freak!" Connor shouting, shoving me hard and storming away.

I sat there as I felt my chest tighten and my breathing quicken. Oh no. Not now. The last thing I needed was to have a panic attack before school had even started for the day. I heard footsteps approaching, and then a voice commanded me to breath slowly with them. I focused on their breathing, matching the slow in for three out for three pattern whoever it was was doing. After a few moments, I calmed down.

"A-are you okay?"

"Y-yes. Thanks, um, thanks for the h-help."

"N-no problem. Do you, um, do you want me to, uh, sign your c-cast?"

I looked up at the boy in the blue polo.

"Y-you want to s-sign my cast?"

"I-I mean. I don't have to. I just figured that...never mind. F-forget I said anything."

Before I could respond, he had hurried off and the bell was ringing for first period to start. I groaned inwardly as I slowly got to my feet. If that whole experience was any indication, this would be a long and terrible year...


	2. TWO

**AN: Hello again! Just finished writing this so I thought I'd post it. Also, if you hadn't noticed, I did completely change chapter one, which is why there is also a different cover for this story as well. So make sure you go back and read chapter one if you haven't seen the updated version before you read this. If you have read the updated chapter one, then enjoy and please leave a review to let me know what you think!**

After school, I ended up in the computer lab. I took out my laptop just as my phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked.

"_Hey, honey_," my mom's voice said through the phone.

"Hey, mom. W-what's up?"

"_So, I know I told you I would be taking you to your appointment, but I'm stuck at work. They just announced budget cuts this morning, and so I volunteered to work an extra shift. You know, so that I can show that I'm, you know, a team player._"

"Yeah, no, I get it. I'll, um, I'll just take the bus."

"_Perfect. That's perfect. Oh, and I'm going straight from here to class, so I won't be home until late, so please eat something. I think we have a frozen pizza in the freezer..._"

"Maybe," I replied noncommittally.

"_Did you write one of those letters yet? Dr. Sherman's expecting you to have one. 'Dear Sophie Miller. This is going to be a good day and here's why'?"_

"Yeah, no, I already finished it. I'm in the computer lab right now, printing it out."

"_I hope it was a good day, sweetheart_."

"It was... yeah, it was really great," I lied.

"_Great. That's great. I hope it's the beginning of a great year. I think we could both use one of those, huh? Shit. I have to run. Bye. I love you._"

The line had already gone dead as I said "bye" and put my phone back in my pocket. I took a few slow, deep breaths before opening my laptop and starting to compose my letter, dictating it out loud as I typed.

_Dear Sophie Miller:_

_It turns out, this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be and amazing week or an amazing year. Because...why would it be?_

_Oh I know. Because there's Connor. And all my hope is pinned on Connor. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. I mean, of course he doesn't. He's too busy smoking pot and skipping school to notice me. Maybe if I could just talk to him, then maybe...maybe nothing would be different at all._

_I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of...something. I wish that anything I said...mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me._

I read back over the letter again. After erasing the part about Connor, I sent it to the printer. Shutting my laptop, I stuck it in my bag and prepared to grab the letter and leave.

"So. What happened to your arm?"

I looked up at the sound of Connor's voice.

"Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually."

"You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my God," he laughed.

I tried to laugh along, then stopped when I remembered what had happened earlier.

"I know," I said instead.

"No one's signed your cast," he noticed.

"No, I know," I said quietly, wishing I could just disappear into the floor.

"I'll sign it."

"Oh. Um...you don't have to," I said quickly, hoping he would drop it like blue polo boy.

"Do you have a Sharpie?" he inquired.

There was a pause as he waited before I pulled the marker from my pocket and handed it over to him. He pulled my arm toward him and I said ow quietly. He paused, looking at me, before taking the cap off and signing his name in large capital letters across a whole side of the otherwise blank cast.

"Oh. Great. Thanks," I said, not sure if my tone sounded sarcastic or not.

"Now we can both pretend that we have friends," he stated.

"Um, yeah. Of course."

I made to leave when he held out a piece of paper.

"Is this yours? I found it on the printer. 'Dear Sophie Miller.' That's your name right?"

I felt a surge of fear, but also relief that I had deleted the section that had mentioned his name.

"Oh that's just a stupid, it's a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment," I tried to grab the paper from him, but he pulled it back reading from it.

"'I wish everything was different'...Do you really think like this?"

"N-no. Could you just, please, give it to me?"

"'I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?' You didn't really fall did you?"

"What? Yes, yes I did. Can I p-please have my letter?"

"Did you let go?"

"P-please. I really n-need that back. Can you just, can you please give it back?"

I grabbed at the paper and pulled at the same time he did, resulting in the page ripping in half.

"I...I'm s-sorry. I-"

Before Connor could stutter out anything else I had ran from the room, heading to the bus stop so I could get to my therapy session before it got too late.

* * *

"Did you bring the letter I asked for, Sophie?"

I was staring across the room dejectedly, not really listening to Dr. Sherman's words.

"Sophie!"

I jumped, turning my gaze to look at the doctor sitting in the chair across from me.

"The letter?"

"Letter?"

"That I asked you to bring me?"

"Oh. That letter. Yeah...um. I, uh, I have it."

"Great. Can I see it, please."

"Um...n-no."

"Why not?"

I swallowed hard, playing with the hem of my shirt.

"I-I don't f-feel like t-that's a good idea."

"You don't? Care to explain."

"Well, it's just that, er, I didn't actually p-print it out."

"That's fine. Can you pull it up on your laptop?"

I bit my lip, slipping my laptop out of my bag. I didn't actually _want_ Dr. Sherman to know what I had written in my letter. I supposed I could just pull up one of my unfinished ones and read from that. Yeah, I'd do that. Read the beginning of an unfinished letter and make up the rest of it. That wouldn't be too hard...

"S-so. Do you j-just want me to read it out loud, or..."

"That would be perfect."

Swallowing hard, I began to read off the screen.

"_Dear Sophie Miller:_

_Today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why. Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself.d_

_But also confident. That's important. And interesting. Easy to talk to. Approachable. But mostly be yourself. That's the big, that's number one. Be yourself. Be true to yourself._

_Also, though, don't worry about whether or not you'll have another panic attack, because that...that's not really...I don't know why I'm bringing that up. Because, really, you can't really control whether they happen or not, so..._"

I went quiet as I got to the end of the unfinished letter.

"Sophie?"

I glanced up from the screen, picking at my nails.

"You didn't actually finish a letter for me, did you?"

"I...well, um, not...not exactly..."

Dr. Sherman sighed and put his notepad down.

"I think that will be enough for today. We'll try again next week and hopefully by then you will have completed your assignment."

I put my laptop away, standing and making my way toward the door. I pulled out my phone to see I had a text from my mom. Unlocking the screen, I glanced through the text. She was just letting me know that an emergency came up at work and she had to get back as soon as her class finished. She wouldn't be home at all that night and I shouldn't expect to see her until late tomorrow evening. I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. I walked to the bus stop, not at all surprised by my mom's news. Something like this always came up.

I got home after dark. I didn't even bother eating like my mom asked. I just headed straight to my room and got ready for bed, praying that tomorrow would be better than today had gone.


End file.
